For You...

For the past week, we had a couple of fights. We threatened to cut each other's head off and tears rolled like salty mudslides over the contours of our faces.  Blood was almost spilt. Feelings have been hurt repeatedly over trust that's been broken.

But then.

We kissed. We make up. We fight. We considered breaking up. We talk. We kissed.

NOTE: WE TALK. WE KISSED. WE MAKE UP.

So to you who is trying his best to win my husband...

Oo ikaw! Alam kong binabasa mo ang blog ko. Para sa iyo ito...

He loves me, I love him.

FACT: I am the legal husband.

FACT: Kabit ka.

Tigilan mo kami! He did proved to me that he won't give me up as long as we love each other and we both are willing to work it out, there's no way in hell I'm giving him up.

Not to you. Not to anyone else.

Wrong Send

My phone vibrated in sync with my boyfriend’s moment to set off from work. I knew it was him even before I unlocked my phone and read the text message.

"Pauwi nko ynaro. 2log himbing. Mwah! Love you!"

Sarap pakingan ano? The problem is, our term of endearment is MAVIE and not YNARO.

I replied.

"WRONG SEND KA!!"

He texted back.

"Mavie ko "ynaro" means "my love" sa japanese. Hnd po ako wrong send syo."

Natameme naman ako.  I was embarassed, almost apologetic. Maybe I just over reacted... or maybe not. So I went scampering to the other side of the production floor en route to the workforce bay cause I know for a fact that one of those schedule keepers did hard time in the land of the rising sun.

Me: Jane, what's the japanese word for "My love"?

Jane: Huh? Sorry I can't remember.

Me: Is it Ynaro?

Jane: Well, I'm pretty sure it's not.

By this time I'm already fuming. Nanginginig na ako sa galit. But still, I stayed calm. Jane said she's pretty sure "Ynaro" is not the translation for "My Love." But then again, she also said she can't remember her Nihongo. At this point, I need certainty and "pretty sure" is not sure enough.

I search for the english translation of "Ynaro" both in Yahoo and Google. The closest possible english translation was the spanish word "Enero" for the first month of the year.

Maybe I got the darn spelling wrong kaya nag-search pa ako for the english translations of, "Inaro", "Ynaru" and "Inaru".

Nada.

My anger shifted to pain... cardiac pain. I'm hurting big time. Still, I forged on and tried seeking out for answers and hoped that my last resort will come bearing fruits... and not the bitter kind.

I translated three possible variation of the japanese word in 2 translator websites.

Love - ai

I Love you - Ai shi teru

My Love - watashi no koi / watashi no ai

My eyes were fixed at the glimmering LCD monitor hoping if I stared at it long enough the information might changed. I went down and sat outside the building, composed myself and pushed his mobile number on my phone with bitter pain.

Who I thought was watashi no koi was engaging in a sankaku kankei.

1 year and 1 month after he asked me to be his boyfriend, I seriously considered giving him up. Sana sinaksak na lang niya ako. At least after my blood flowed out of my body, it would also carry away my worries, my pain and my life I planned to share with him.   

Gym Rants: The Good, The Bad and The Fugly 2

Read the first part here.

Now, all 3 guys are not my friends. We don't talk to each other except for Mr Fugly's indecent attempts to engage with everyone, which is always ignored and Mr Good's rare hi's or 'zup's which I totally look forward to answering back with unemotional nods. I never had any engagement with Mr Bad until one fateful Monday morning when all of us found ourselves working out at the same time.

===================================

After frequenting the same gym for more than 3 years, I had become acquainted with most of the regulars who worked out there. And ever since Mavié and I become partners, I was never the one to use my workout time as a way of meeting men. I was serious about the time I spent there and wanted to work on my body as much as possible.  I was proud of the work that I had done and my dedication was evident in the stares of some when they would catch a glimpse of me.

One morning, I was done through my routine and on my way to the shower to cool off when I saw Mr Fugly dripping in perspiration (or dripping in fat, LOL) as he went out of the steam room perpetually using his gym time to desperately hook up more than loose the unwanted weight. I thought, “Oh Fuck!!! Here we go again!”

Now, as far as face value is concerned, I’m neither very attractive nor seriously hopeless but I’m very straight acting. 

Again, I don't mind Mr Fugly. I don't even mind him cruising. What I do mind is that when he started his sexual “gymscapades” and zeroed in on a target, he wouldn’t let the poor marked man go even if you have rejected him over and over. This usually happens when there are only two or three people using the steam room and/or sauna. Unfortunately, working on a night shift and working out after shift when the gym just got open, more often than not, I always end up alone with him in the sauna. 

I don’t want to be mean nor rude but this fat guy totally deserves it.

While in the shower, I lamented over the warm water whether I would use the sauna and steam room or just go home. 10 minutes later, I chose to take a pass on the rooms. I wanted to use it and relax specially after a very hard day’s work but with Mr Fugly lurking in and out of both the steam room and sauna, I just won’t be able too. 

On my way back to the locker area, I noticed at least two guys were using the sauna. I decided to stay a while and use it. When I opened the door, I saw not just two guys, but two hot guys. I was met by Mr Bad’s raised eyebrows while the other hottie, has his eyes closed apparently enjoying the hot, dry atmosphere much to some prying eyes’ pleasure. They were sitting on opposite corner. I decided to sit in between them, closed my eyes as well and enjoyed sweating out. 

The other guy went out of the hot room followed by the entrance of the fat cruiser. Mr Bad left the Sauna immediately. I followed soon after and decided to use the steam room. I saw Mr Bad at the far end of the steam room, again staring at me with contempt in his eyes. I don’t know why but he did. But between Mr Bad’s stare and Mr Fugly’s sexual innuendos, I choose Mr Bad. I sat near the door though just in case he turns hostile. Again, I closed my eyes and just enjoyed the steam.

5 minutes later, Mr Bad left the steam room slamming the door shut with force that could’ve broken the door. I didn’t notice it much until he did the same at sauna door when I abandoned the steam room for the sauna because Mr Fugly entrance of the room. Again, Mr Bad left the sauna slamming the door shut with a complimentary curse on the side. There could’ve been a lot of reason why it happened but I can’t help but feel offended on what he did specially when there’s just the two of us in the room.

I stayed in the steam room and hoped that Mr Fugly left the gym already. But then, just when I thought Mr. Fugly is gone, the steam room door opened. I didn’t know who it was initially because I had my eyes closed. I thought it was Mr Fugly but when I opened my eyes and looked at the guy, it was Mr Good in all of his hotness who smiled at me.

( to be continued)

Another Blast from the Past

In the middle of the light earthquake and heavy down pour last Tuesday morning, another revelation come to pass.

I was on the last hour of my exhausting Monday shift and on my 30th audit of the day, Jane, one of the agents (who I don't know personally that time) visited her friend who's working near my station. I wasn't really listening to them (my ears were bleeding from the audits anyway) but I can tell they were having a good time.

Towards the end of my shift, I heard Jane (not her real name) calling me.

Jane: "Silvan, may papakilala kami sa iyo."

Me: "Sino?"

Jane: "Friend namin. Actually, housemate nila."

She raised a finger and pointed at the agent beside her who was currently busy taking calls.

Jane: "I'm sure you will like him. Sobrang gwapo kaya! Taga Taguig nga lang."

Me: "Anong name?"

Jane: "Marky"

I know a guy named Marky (not his real name) who lives in Taguig. He was my uber cute, 5'7", slim, preppy and neat, MU years back.  I got real excited when she said his name.

Me: "Last name niya ba Orosa (not his real last name)?"

Jane: "Hey! Siya nga!"

And just like that, all the bells where ringing in my ears...

I met him one night when I was walking home from work. He was sitting on the side of Shangrila apparently waiting for breaking dawn so he can ride the morning trips. I ended up talking to him until morning... and I got to know him a lot. We shared a lot of things. We both enjoy watching Movies and DVD's, we both have mutual likeness in reading books and We have a common fondness in listening to music. By the end of our conversation, we knew we clicked. While walking to the jeepney station, we exchanged numbers and decided to meet again.

I remember telling him how special he was to me back then. I'm not sure though if he really knew how genuine my feelings for him was. Anyway, it never blossomed. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing but one thing is for sure, everything happens for a reason.

The last time we were together was the night before I left Manila for LA. He helped me with my last minute shopping. I remember kissing him in public before taking the Cab home. We didn't end up together but I had good memories and fun times with him. We became really close until we sort of lost communication.

Amidst the freezing cold and biting winds, I went home with warm nostalgia of our good times.

Hope too see you soon Marky.

Father and Son

inspired by a true story and a post by Migs on July 18, 2007

http://manilagayguy.net/2007/07/18/four-things-i-cannot-decide-for-you/

Rob slowly opened the door. For the first time in his life he noticed their door, which he entered and exited for countless times since he was able to walk, creaked. The sound was like small silver pins painfully stabbing him all over. He slowly pushed the metal handle and locked the door behind him.

Inside, he can see his father standing in front of the living room window inanimately staring outside. He expected this after the event that happened early that morning which involves him, his dad and his best friend, Ash.

He knows this stance. It's an ominous prelude to a very painful realization between him and his dad and he has seen this event happened before though very rare. He never wanted this scene raised from the depths of his memories much more played again in real life.

Rob is the younger of two sons. All through the efforts of his loving parents, he grew up to be a responsible, intelligent and more often than not, obedient young man which amazingly matches his subtle good looks and tall, muscular frame. He is the near perfect child that every parent wishes... take note: near perfect. 

Early that morning, his father saw him and his best friend Ash at the lobby of the building were Ash is working as they affectionately kissed and hugged each other good bye followed by a heartfelt “I love you”. He didn't care much on who’s there or who’s watching them until his dad unexpectedly showed up. There they were on a busy lobby staring at each other for what seems like hours… on one side, him and his “best friend” on the other, his dad.

The creaking of the door was followed by a deafening silence. The light of a passing car pierced through the window pane illuminating the unexpressive face of his father. It breaks Rob’s heart to see his dad this way.

Rob dragged himself from the closed door to the sofa. He knew that every step towards his waiting dad was a step closer to the affirmation of the thing that he had kept for so long. This was the moment he promised to Ash. He promised that when the time comes, he would defend and fight for their relationship. He tried to show a strong front for his dad though inside, he is scared like hell.

He quietly sat on the leather sofa. His dad didn’t move an inch. He waited for his dad to do the first move but it didn’t happen. He couldn’t bear the silence and the coldness between them so Rob started to speak first.

“We’ve been together since I introduced him to you as my best friend.” He said. “I love him.”

He was waiting for his dad to respond. Again, his dad didn’t move an inch.

“I’m sorry dad. Believe me, I tried not to be like this.” Rob continued only this time he’s strong and firm front is now tainted with a subtle pain. “I didn’t tell you because I’m afraid that you might not love me anymore… I’m sorry dad if I fail you.”  

Rob was concentrating hard on the things he is saying while holding back his tears that he didn’t realize that his dad was already in front of him. He gently held his son’s hand and looked in his eyes and spoke for the first time.

“Son, there are four things I cannot decide for you, even if I wanted to." His father said. It was soft but it has a quiet power that you would be gently forced to listen too. "First, your political affiliation. You decide the political principles you believe in, and your idea of how society should be organized. Second, your religious convictions. I raised you up as a Catholic but if you ever so decide to be something else — a Moslem, a Protestant, whatever — then you should follow your conscience, not me. Third, your career. Your career is the one that will make you get out of bed excited as you wake up, and get you going day in, and day out. It will be such a waste of life if you choose to make a career out of other people’s fancies." And then his father hold his hand with firm kindness and warm understanding. "Last my son, your choice of life partner. You will be the one to love and live with that person, so it is really your decision to make. May it be a girl or a guy, son, you will decide for yourself. There is just one thing I want you to promise me, son: that whatever your decision may be, that you will be happy."

With his dad’s last words, Rob’s defenses started to fail. But what made his strong front wall crumble to dust were his dad’s next gestures.

His father casually leaned over and hugged him, his heart calmly beating against the fast thumping of his son's. It's as if his more experienced full of wisdom heart is speaking to his son's confused and scared one.

And with one deep breath, his dad ended the night with the following words...

"…and never think that just because you're gay, I would love you any less."

And with that, Rob's defenses crumbled down just as the slivers of tears started falling from his eyes.

Blast from the Past

For the first time in years, I have mustered enough strength to check my ex's Facebook account.

He was long forgotten and forcefully sunk in the depths of my memories and my heart until I met an old friend last week who shared with gusto and "kilig" and "landi" his adventures and misadventures of the past years we didn't see each other one of which was about this new friend whom he, and his current circle of friends,  met in Baguio who looks like a cross of Paolo Ballesteros and Richard Gutierrez. He screamed in shock when he found out that the hottie was my ex. Talk about a blast from the past twice over.

This morning, I went online, logged in to my account and typed his name in the search field.  I slowly keyed in his name unconsciously pegging the first letter of his given, middle and last name on uppercase before realizing that it doesn’t matter anyway. Immediately, his accounts appeared first on the drop down menu. Yes, he has two accounts. I then remember years back that he did requested to re-add me again after the emotional holocaust that we've been through. I just decided to click on the refuse button after his request loomed in my account for weeks. With one deep breath, I clicked on his reduced picture.

Carlo, who continued to share stories about my ex, explained he already dated at least 2 of his current circle of friends and now dating a third... the reason why my friend is so hesitant to approach the Ballesteros/Gutierrez look-alike. 

I looked at his pictures, he looked a little old, a little worn out but nevertheless same... still a twinkie hot angel. My heart raced palpitating as I slowly clicked on the pictures one by one. I felt a mixed sense of longing, regret and heart piercing pain. Good mixed with the bad memories came rising up from the depths of my ocean of memories. I admit I still have feelings for him. Whether affectionately or just caring feelings though, I don't know. I searched over his friends and typed the name of his class mate that he replaced me with. He's not there. He did the same thing when we broke up.

It's good to see old friends and catch up with the times. Knowing Carlo though, it’s safe to assume that his current circle has voracious appetite for sex. I know. I used to be his friend and we were once very close.

So I guess my ex hadn't change a bit.

I did.

12 Months

I can still remember exactly how we met. I was on my way to “Malate” late May last year to meet my friends while you were on your way home after meeting yours. 

I told you I went there a lot because my friends frequented the scene.

I lied.

In fact, it was my first time back to Malate after 2 years.

Before you, I met another angel and I got hurt. I got hurt real bad. Like the winged messengers, he has flown me to heaven in heights of happiness I have never felt before. But then, like a dead weight, he dropped me straight back to earth in a heart breaking fashion.

He left me barely breathing… almost dead.

It took me forever to move on. I abandoned my friends who loyally helped me move on and patiently waited for me to fix myself and get me back on my feet. For that, I love them and vowed never to abandon them again. I turned to my books as comfort and my work became my solace.

And so over time, I moved on to what I thought would be my last relationship.

And then I met you.

On our first date, we went out to watch a remake of the 80's Ralph Macchio Trilogy. On our way home, we talked about us. You wanted to make it official. I said it would be best if we know each other first. And I finish the sentence on my mind, “And I need to know If you do love me.”

One month after, we made it official and you gave me more than the assurance I wanted.

I won't forget that time you invited me to your home and introduced me to your father. I can still play that moment in my mind like a romantic film. I can still feel the passion and pride when you said these words...

"Daddy, si ********, boyfriend ko."

Right then, I knew. You were in it for the long haul too.

Over the months that followed, we started building our lives together. We also had our moments. We had our share of fights. We had our own shortcoming. But then We kiss. We make-up.

And here we are, 12 months after… going strong.

I know this is an overdue letter to you and like a very understanding boyfriend that you are, I know you would just say. It's okay.

But I'll post this one anyway. (I already made an effort eh!!! LOL)

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!