In Time

"Hi”

A voice said to me. I turned and looked at the cute boy and I smiled, not knowing how to respond.

"Do you mind if I stay here with you?” he requested. “Only until the rain stops.”

I nodded as I looked away trying to dry my eyes with my hanky as quick as I can. When I was ready, I turned back and gave him the most sincere smile that I can conjure.

“Nathan” He said raising his hand for a handshake.

“Silvan” I replied accepting his offer.

“Woah! What a downpour!” He commented as the light drizzle angers to a heavy shower.

It was my first time going back to Malate after we broke up. Like before, it was an invite from my friends that prompted me to go. It’s been months since we parted ways and thanks to my trusted buddies, I finally broke the shell of depression.

Finally, I’m starting to pick up and patch things up in my shattered life. However, the moment I saw that place, that small ministore, I just can’t help stopping where we first found each other. It’s white wall was pulling me, beckoning like a magnet only to facilitate a yearning I’m trying hard to bury deep. Like the make shift tarpaulin shade tied to the tree and the lamp post, I'm still bound to this place. The sudden turn in the weather didn’t helped either.

That's the problem with wounds that hasn't fully healed yet. It gives you the illusion that you are but will easily tear open with the slightest trauma.

That moment I thought I should have stayed at home and read a book or watch a film. I could have avoided these places remembering the times but that would just convey loneliness and that was something that I was trying very hard to avoid also.

"Here with friends?" the guy asked obviously trying to break the cold atmosphere and I don’t mean the weather.

“Yes”

“Me too! I’m late though.”  

“So am I” I thought while reading the SMS I just got received from my friend asking where I am.

“Where are you going?” He asked knowingly as he popped a cigarette and offered one.

“No thanks. I don’t smoke” Again, I tried my best to smile. “My friends are waiting for me at Bed.

“Oh I see!” He was surprised. “Judging from the way you look and talk, I wouldn’t know that you are gay.”

“Uhmmmm…. Thanks?” I replied quizzicaly.

“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to offend you. It was a compliment.”

“No offense taken.” I said softly.

Now it was his turn to smile.

"I hope you don’t mind me asking. Is anything wrong?" He asked cautious as he puffed the last of the stick in his hand. "Are you all right?"

I watch the clouds squeezes the last of his night shower. It took me a while to respond but I nodded. "I'm just remembering what was and will never be again."

"A broken heart? Sad, but time will heal it. You'll see." He smiled. “ Nice meeting you Silvan. See you around.”

I watch Nathan walk away towards the faint sound of the Malate night life leaving me with Mavié and our good times in my mind. "Yes, a broken heart, and maybe time will heal it."

Fire!!!

I haven't been asleep for more than an hour when I heard my mom knocked at my door literally bashing my door open.

"Anak may sunog! Get your stuff out of the house!"

I leaped out of my bed half irritated, half dazed. Dragging my feet all day at work, I went straight home today to buy myself some extra forty winks by skipping my after-shift work out. This is the day I chose to lay myself down in my bed hugging my fluffy pillows instead of stretching out on the gym bench pumping iron and here I am in my room, half naked and fully awoken by my mom.

I grabbed an undershirt, my wallet, phone and packed my laptop and my barely used SLR camera in my bag brought it downstairs along with my case of personal documents. I figured that’s all I need in case our house is literally on the line of fire within minutes.

I went downstairs leaping every other step, dropped my stuff in the sofa and went outside and checked where exactly the domicile bonfire was.

At first, it looks far from our house. Upon closer inspection though, I realized that our house might be reached by the blaze within hours. I went back inside our house and wore a short. Yes! I went outside in a sleeveless shirt and boxers. These are one of the rare occasion where you can justify wearing undergarments out in the street. I played the hot guy in sleeveless and boxers who went outside confused by the ruckus around him. LOL!!!

I ask my mom and my sister with my 6 month old niece to go and stay at a family friend living two blocks away from our house while I stayed just in case opportunists decide to take advantage of the uninvited commotion. They brought with them my bag (a little heavier with my baby niece’s bare essentials in it), my case, and my parent’s attaché case.

Just outside our gates, I watch as people carried their belongings frantically away from the fire. From household appliances to cooking utensils, people carried everything that they can away to safety fuelled by the burning scene. They were carrying everything that they have while I asked my mom and my sister to carry a bag and 2 cases of documents.

Thank God for my Dad who recognized long ago the importance of shelling out a small piece of fortune every year for fire insurance on our humble abode... Thank God we didn't have to file for fire insurance claim as well.

So while everything around me is in a state of anarchy with me still cranky from my revoked “R and R” time, I grabbed a pocketful of moment and converted other people's misery into my entertainment by brushing up on my amateur photography skills.

Yes, I’m a heartless bitch! Especially when I’m robbed of some shut-eye and my appointment with my soft, homey bed is canceled.

1 hour later, firemen successfully stopped the infernal destruction dead on its track 2 blocks away from our house. No injuries were reported. Unfortunately, several homes, including a local elementary school were reduced to ash or damaged by the blaze.

The Whore

In my pursuit of the extraordinary act of what is famously known as “moving on”, I joined an old friend’s entourage to the Halloween Circuit Party of the year. Why? Cause I don’t want to be a love whore anymore.

These kinds of revelries, and the rants and raves that goes along with it, is not new to me. In fact, I have considered attending to one numerous times in the past.

That’s the thing though, I only considered it. I always had my eye towards the light but I never had the strength to walk towards it… until now. I thought this is the right time to be a party whore… being single and all. Better be a party whore than a love whore.

The time, October 29th. The venue, World Trade Center.

While there’s an obvious scarcity of parking spaces for the fashionably late, we luckily found an empty lot on the highway isle. We unmercifully climbed over the isle and drove through the grass and plants and made a stop on their flora carcasses that would make Capt. Planet bitch slap our party ass.  

My friend, and designated driver, turned the engine off, faced us and shared a bottle of Gatorade. And in the cover of darkness and coconut trees, we shared among the five of us the funky tasting power drink. As for me, I gulp down my first taste of party drug as I listen to the faint sound of the thumpa-thumpa booming from afar.

My-first-party-drug

I’ve been avoiding this substance but no longer. It’s my final act before crossing the other side. Whether of the grass is greener on that side or not, I have no idea. All I know is I want to escape the state where I am right now.

The World Trade Center was stripped of its monotonous, commercial stature and was transformed into a spontaneous party sanctuary dressed in flamboyant explosion of lights and sounds. The local partizens were no less glitzy in their glamorous costumes.

As we walked towards the venue, I can feel it take effect. My heart beating louder and louder in synch with the succulently screaming sound of the whole center. My head feeling light as feather. My sight deliciously spinning.

We entered the hall into a slightly lit makeshift tunnel built to create an excitement until you reach the other end. And what an amazing sight it was. I feel like I am in one of the queer as folk episode and any moment I will bump into Brian Kinney making out with some hot guy or Michael dancing with Ben.

Everything was so beautiful that I almost cried… the light and sound set-up was overwhelming… I just wanna fucking dance the night away. I feel like I love everyone. But that could have been just the E talking. 

No, it’s definitely the E.

Midway through the good vibes, a revelation: My friend shared that there’s an after party that we are attending and I would appreciate it more than the party itself. Judging from my friend’s grin that spans ear to ear, I knew what is that after party.

Finally, I got my wish granted. From a love whore to a party whore, soon, I will be just plain whore. 16 men, 10 hours, 1 room, 5 rounds of recreational drugs and unlimited supply of condoms and lube. That’s one mighty concoction of libido.

We left for the after party at 4 am and went straight to a Makati Condominium. We were met with another shot of E.

I kissed, sucked, fucked, got sucked, got fucked… all the sexual innuendos devoid of any affection just hot men acting on their raw urges to feast on someone else’s flesh.

10 hours of fucking later, I went home. My mind, body and spirit totally drained out of energy but still elated as the last drops of party fluid works its magic in my system.

In my room I went straight to the bathroom and cleaned myself while waiting for the juice that made me the whore that night to evaporate. 10 minutes later, I’m in my bed awake staring at the ceiling just drunk and high enough to let go of my pride. I can taste the saline as my tears unceremoniously flow from my eyes to my mouth.

That night, I cried myself to sleep realizing that I’m back to where I started only stripped of the remaining innocence that I have tried so hard to protect.

I’m still a love whore.

Maybe

I have spent precious moments thinking over a proposition given by my friends. It was laid over the table 3 weeks ago by JR, one of my closest friends and confidant backed up by LJ, another close pal that I haven't seen for ages.

Now I’m inside the comforts of my four corners, staring at the ceiling and still thinking whether I will accept the offer or not.

"We want you in." LJ explained one fine day at the newly built Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf Coffee shop at Shangri-La. "We got everything taken care off dude! Just buy the ticket now…”

Then the inevitable…

"…If you want, I'll get your Mavié's permission myself so that you can come with us..."

Mavié.

I haven't heard nor blurted out that name for a while. The word still ring in my ears and still stabs my heart. I die a little every time I hear that French word that we affectionately chose to be our term of endearment. I can hear the name echo in the chasms of my memory. It’s resonance literally squeezing the life out of me.

LJ has gone out of the circulation that he doesn't know what has been in the headline recently… clearly, the news of me gone free agent again hasn’t reached his ears.

And obviously, JR didn't say a thing.

"You need this." JR calmly shared as he took a swag of his cold frap.

It's been a while since I went out of the country. The last time I went abroad, I've gone stateside visiting Arizona and Hollywood. That was before I met him.

For a while I’ve been doing a lot of stuff to forget him. Maybe that’s the issue. I’m still doing things for him. Even the things that I think will make me forget him has been done with him in consideration. Maybe I’m doing things for all the wrong reasons.

So now, this time, I’m accepting my friends proposal. Not for him nor anybody else.

I’m doing this to be happy. I’m doing this for me.

I turned over and grabbed my laptop at the bed side table and turned it on. With a few words pressed on the slick, black keyboard and a few clicks with my small, Genius mouse, I went online, booked the flight and shoot JR and LJ a text message.

Singapore, Malaysia and Indonesia, here I come!!!

I hope this time, it’ll be different.

Real Steel, Real Still

9:00 PM, Robinson's Place, Manila

While for others, what I’m going to do is as insignificant as a single grain of sand on a beach,  for me, my action for the next 2-3 hours is like a 50 feet tidal wave in its impact.

A milestone. A feat.

Yes. I have come to a decision, with scrupulous effort, that today would be the day that I would do something that I haven't done for a very long time. 

Watch a movie.

Alone.

The decision didn't come easy. It has always been "me-plus-friends" or "me-plus-boyfriend".  Unfortunately, the mathematics behind my life recently has spiraled depressingly downbeat. I am now “me-minus-boyfriend”.

It took 3 friends to encourage me to jackhammer reason in me and 1 month to pickup myself, dust myself of and finally break my shell of depression and start walking towards the light of independence.

Gotta learn how to walk first. Then hopefully soon, run.   

I never watch a movie alone. I think we have established that. Going inside the dark, cold hall of motion pictures and mesmerizingly watch as the flickers of the silver screen synchs with the booming surround sound often overwhelms me. Now, it also reminds me of how Mavié and I are kindred spirit and how movies moves us like Mosses parting the red sea. Just thinking of these moments with him only do nothing but throws stabs of cardiac pain every time I think of it.  

I admit. This is going to be throbbingly difficult but I also know that I need to do this. Like what Keith Urban said, “It’s gonna hurt bad before it gets better.”

So, with 2 unsuccessful attempts, I'm now inside Robinson’s Place Cinema choosing between a local movie about infidelity, a film about brawling robots or a motion picture about a lunar science fiction thriller. Either way, the fact remains. I'm there choosing a film to watch sans Mavié. Progress, at least.

After 30 minutes of thorough evaluation. I'm inside Cinema 6 with a Grandé Watermelon Pearl Shake and a bucket of sour cream flavored popcorn watching teaser after teaser of movies coming soon and due early next year. Soon the last minute full show already started. I’ve chosen a 2 hour, 7 minute, Action/ Adventure, Real Steel.

Why? The Filipino Adult film, “No Other Woman” may boast of comedic love triangle with unforgettable lines reminiscent of the golden age of Philippine Cinema however, it will only remind me of Mavié’s infidelity. I’m just not ready for that. On the other hand, the suspense/fantasy “Apollo 18” would only give me nightmares for the next couple of weeks and I don’t need to be stressed any more.

So there I was enjoying the Father and son team up in a sport of boxing gone hi-tech. Fairly safe for my first movie alone and while Real Steel is hampered by leaden, clichéd moments in which a stubborn boy teaches his childish father a valuable lesson, at least the well-paced action is rarely creaky.

Real Steel is worth the money and one Sunday night.

Real still, I went out of the cinema happy and proud that I have done it but wishing I had seen it with him.

Future Boyfriend

I was getting really bored playing Cityville, Zooworld and Zynga Poker via Facebook and getting really horny when I decided to stop building my own real estate empire ala Zobel de Ayala for a while in exchange for selling my soul to the devil and satisfy my thirst for hot and steamy night games.

I haven’t open my “PR” account for more than a year so I was surprised when I found out that my sinful account is still active and screaming for attention.

Getting a serious date from a gay social website, were the main goal is to fornicate (in all essence of the word) was never my intention. After all, what could be more fun than having a no strings attached fuck-o-rama with a guy or two?

And since I recently found myself single and ready to fucking mingle, I have decided that I am exercising my God given gay right to bonk as many guy as possible.

So there I was, browsing over the list of hot and not so hot men who is both near my area and currently online when his profile shout-out caught my attention.

It reads: “Wrong love, right time. Right love, wrong time.”

I looked at the picture and he got my little soldier tingling.

Boy was he cute! He looked like a member of a Korean boyband... my kind of boy toy.

It was even more surprising when he sent me a message.

 “Hi. Thanks for viewing my profile =)” It said.

I then realized that he can actually check the people who viewed his profile. What more can I do but replied back.?

“=) You got me interested with your profile shout-out.”

And then I don’t know what hit me that I sent another text message before he replied on the first one.

“Wanna hang out later?”

-----------------
5 hours later, I’m at SM Valenzuela picking him up. It was raining hard so we decided to just spend the night drinking at a nearby comedy bar.

We got to know each other. And after just 30 minutes with him, I knew we had a connection.

I admit, I enjoyed his company. He's intelligence was just as impressive as his KPop persona. We were talking about a lot of things and he kept my mind off of "some" things. That night it was just me and him. and I'm happy that it was.

I can spend the whole day just by looking at his eyes. I get lost when I watch his smile. I can waste forever and just hug him for all eternity… or at least I think I can.

Needless to say, I like him.

I was already half drunk and busy oogling at him when I heard the comedian-slash-comedienne shout out his name. His eyes shouted suprise as he went in front and up the stage reeled by the host-slash-hostess.

“Who are you with?”

“I’m with Sylvan” He answered.

“Who is he?”

“My future boyfriend.” He declared with a grin that reduced his Korean eyes to a slit.

Future Boyfriend. That’s me to him.

I said to myself, with schizophrenic caution, this is fast and I mean supersonic fast.

Sure I’m having a blast and I can feel we had a connection not to mention that we held hands the whole night stealing kisses here and there. But I wasn’t expecting anything other than having a good time... in or out of the bed.

So up on the stage, he sang “Wherever you will go” by the Calling and Parokya ni Edgar’s “Halaga” for me.

And as I watch him belting the songs that he dedicated to me with his killer smile flashing directly at our table, I knew I am trudging an über dangerous road.

I know he is not Maviè.

He is someone else...

And just like what’s his profile said, I waited for the night to end, kiss him goodnight and went home sending him one last text message.

For You Bro

I know that you’re gone for more than 4 years already and I would like to think that you are just there somewhere watching over me.

I want and need you to know that I love you very much and I miss you everyday. Nothing can compare to what you have given me. Time has gone on, but the pain of knowing that I lost you doesn't make it any easier still. I still find myself wishing that it wasn't true.

I miss you. You’re my brother, my best friend, my confidant. I love you with all my heart. You gave me something that I will never forget: You helped make me who I always was meant to be. I know that you would want me to move on and for the longest time, I haven’t but now, I’m happy to say that I have. Life is not the same without you though. And I wish I could share everything that I have to you like we did before.

There have been others, but I find myself trying to compare them to you and they don't measure up. I think I found one but he is not you and you can never be replaced. Still, he is like you in some ways and we have shared things and enjoyed stuff like you and I did before. I’m happy I have found him.

Thank you Yanni. You were the brother I never had. I’m lucky that you were, and still are, the best friend I ever had.

Rest in peace bro.

I wish I could have gotten to say goodbye.