Wednesday, March 23, 2011

La Vida Duda

Last night, I was looking over my collection of DVD’s, which I had categorized and placed in CD holders/organizers years ago, searching for nothing in particular.

After looking over my black, leather CD holder, I picked up and browsed through my blue one I fondly labelled “Indie!!!”. As I browse and flipped myself through, there it was. The first indie film I purchased and the film that started it all.... the Crisaldo Pablo classic, “Duda”.

This indie film is about fidelity and deception in a gay relationship. The story revolves around Cris, a young director, who met Erick and developed a relationship with him. After being together for several months, their relationship began to fall apart and is complicated by people involved in their lives. (Thanks Wiki)
I never had the chance to watch it.

On my way to work, I keep on thinking about my relationship with Mavie and the film. This month, we passed our first, third trimester. And just like the film, I kinda noticed that I have been very suspicious these past few weeks.

I get irritated easily. I can always find something to get the doubting fire blazing on the slightest action, slightest text messages, slightest words. We are fighting more this month than the last 8 months combined. And even though we kiss and make up (and made love) at the end of the day, I can feel my lack of faith on my beau is taking its toll on our relationship.

He always said that he is trying his best to win back my trust ever since he cheated on me and I can feel he does (often with almost unbearable difficulty) but sometimes I just can’t help it.

Maybe because I gave my heart and soul to my ex and he repaid that with deceit... an event that certainly left an indelible, rotten mark in my life. Who wants that kind of story played over with different cast?

Gay love is not normal. And if it’s not normal, then it must be special. Or at least that’s what I believe. But special as it may be, we have to deal with the same problem and the same shit like any other person in a relationship in the world.

Are we going to end up the same as Cris and Erick?

No-fuckin’-body knows.

What I do know is I love Mavie so much and over the years I grow up and matured as far as handling a relationship is concerned. He cheated on me yes but, since then, he’s been doing his best to earn back my trust that I admit I sometimes forget when doubting Thomas comes knocking at my door and my judgement is clouded.

Loving someone doesn’t necessarily mean you trust him/her... and this kind of love always ends up in tears and heartaches.

So goes the American rock ballad, Love just ain’t enough. And it’s never going to be.

An old Indian story claims that we have two wolves inside each of us. A good wolf and bad wolf and the wolf who wins is the one which we feed. I guess the only way to annihilate that doubting feelings away is to feed the good wolf with trust.

I know it’s going to be laboriously difficult but if Mavie is doing his best to take my disbelief away, then I’ll do my best to show him that I am doing my best to show him that I appreciate it. 
It’s all about trust.

It’s always about trust.