Maybe

I have spent precious moments thinking over a proposition given by my friends. It was laid over the table 3 weeks ago by JR, one of my closest friends and confidant backed up by LJ, another close pal that I haven't seen for ages.

Now I’m inside the comforts of my four corners, staring at the ceiling and still thinking whether I will accept the offer or not.

"We want you in." LJ explained one fine day at the newly built Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf Coffee shop at Shangri-La. "We got everything taken care off dude! Just buy the ticket now…”

Then the inevitable…

"…If you want, I'll get your Mavié's permission myself so that you can come with us..."

Mavié.

I haven't heard nor blurted out that name for a while. The word still ring in my ears and still stabs my heart. I die a little every time I hear that French word that we affectionately chose to be our term of endearment. I can hear the name echo in the chasms of my memory. It’s resonance literally squeezing the life out of me.

LJ has gone out of the circulation that he doesn't know what has been in the headline recently… clearly, the news of me gone free agent again hasn’t reached his ears.

And obviously, JR didn't say a thing.

"You need this." JR calmly shared as he took a swag of his cold frap.

It's been a while since I went out of the country. The last time I went abroad, I've gone stateside visiting Arizona and Hollywood. That was before I met him.

For a while I’ve been doing a lot of stuff to forget him. Maybe that’s the issue. I’m still doing things for him. Even the things that I think will make me forget him has been done with him in consideration. Maybe I’m doing things for all the wrong reasons.

So now, this time, I’m accepting my friends proposal. Not for him nor anybody else.

I’m doing this to be happy. I’m doing this for me.

I turned over and grabbed my laptop at the bed side table and turned it on. With a few words pressed on the slick, black keyboard and a few clicks with my small, Genius mouse, I went online, booked the flight and shoot JR and LJ a text message.

Singapore, Malaysia and Indonesia, here I come!!!

I hope this time, it’ll be different.

Real Steel, Real Still

9:00 PM, Robinson's Place, Manila

While for others, what I’m going to do is as insignificant as a single grain of sand on a beach,  for me, my action for the next 2-3 hours is like a 50 feet tidal wave in its impact.

A milestone. A feat.

Yes. I have come to a decision, with scrupulous effort, that today would be the day that I would do something that I haven't done for a very long time. 

Watch a movie.

Alone.

The decision didn't come easy. It has always been "me-plus-friends" or "me-plus-boyfriend".  Unfortunately, the mathematics behind my life recently has spiraled depressingly downbeat. I am now “me-minus-boyfriend”.

It took 3 friends to encourage me to jackhammer reason in me and 1 month to pickup myself, dust myself of and finally break my shell of depression and start walking towards the light of independence.

Gotta learn how to walk first. Then hopefully soon, run.   

I never watch a movie alone. I think we have established that. Going inside the dark, cold hall of motion pictures and mesmerizingly watch as the flickers of the silver screen synchs with the booming surround sound often overwhelms me. Now, it also reminds me of how Mavié and I are kindred spirit and how movies moves us like Mosses parting the red sea. Just thinking of these moments with him only do nothing but throws stabs of cardiac pain every time I think of it.  

I admit. This is going to be throbbingly difficult but I also know that I need to do this. Like what Keith Urban said, “It’s gonna hurt bad before it gets better.”

So, with 2 unsuccessful attempts, I'm now inside Robinson’s Place Cinema choosing between a local movie about infidelity, a film about brawling robots or a motion picture about a lunar science fiction thriller. Either way, the fact remains. I'm there choosing a film to watch sans Mavié. Progress, at least.

After 30 minutes of thorough evaluation. I'm inside Cinema 6 with a Grandé Watermelon Pearl Shake and a bucket of sour cream flavored popcorn watching teaser after teaser of movies coming soon and due early next year. Soon the last minute full show already started. I’ve chosen a 2 hour, 7 minute, Action/ Adventure, Real Steel.

Why? The Filipino Adult film, “No Other Woman” may boast of comedic love triangle with unforgettable lines reminiscent of the golden age of Philippine Cinema however, it will only remind me of Mavié’s infidelity. I’m just not ready for that. On the other hand, the suspense/fantasy “Apollo 18” would only give me nightmares for the next couple of weeks and I don’t need to be stressed any more.

So there I was enjoying the Father and son team up in a sport of boxing gone hi-tech. Fairly safe for my first movie alone and while Real Steel is hampered by leaden, clichéd moments in which a stubborn boy teaches his childish father a valuable lesson, at least the well-paced action is rarely creaky.

Real Steel is worth the money and one Sunday night.

Real still, I went out of the cinema happy and proud that I have done it but wishing I had seen it with him.

Future Boyfriend

I was getting really bored playing Cityville, Zooworld and Zynga Poker via Facebook and getting really horny when I decided to stop building my own real estate empire ala Zobel de Ayala for a while in exchange for selling my soul to the devil and satisfy my thirst for hot and steamy night games.

I haven’t open my “PR” account for more than a year so I was surprised when I found out that my sinful account is still active and screaming for attention.

Getting a serious date from a gay social website, were the main goal is to fornicate (in all essence of the word) was never my intention. After all, what could be more fun than having a no strings attached fuck-o-rama with a guy or two?

And since I recently found myself single and ready to fucking mingle, I have decided that I am exercising my God given gay right to bonk as many guy as possible.

So there I was, browsing over the list of hot and not so hot men who is both near my area and currently online when his profile shout-out caught my attention.

It reads: “Wrong love, right time. Right love, wrong time.”

I looked at the picture and he got my little soldier tingling.

Boy was he cute! He looked like a member of a Korean boyband... my kind of boy toy.

It was even more surprising when he sent me a message.

 “Hi. Thanks for viewing my profile =)” It said.

I then realized that he can actually check the people who viewed his profile. What more can I do but replied back.?

“=) You got me interested with your profile shout-out.”

And then I don’t know what hit me that I sent another text message before he replied on the first one.

“Wanna hang out later?”

-----------------
5 hours later, I’m at SM Valenzuela picking him up. It was raining hard so we decided to just spend the night drinking at a nearby comedy bar.

We got to know each other. And after just 30 minutes with him, I knew we had a connection.

I admit, I enjoyed his company. He's intelligence was just as impressive as his KPop persona. We were talking about a lot of things and he kept my mind off of "some" things. That night it was just me and him. and I'm happy that it was.

I can spend the whole day just by looking at his eyes. I get lost when I watch his smile. I can waste forever and just hug him for all eternity… or at least I think I can.

Needless to say, I like him.

I was already half drunk and busy oogling at him when I heard the comedian-slash-comedienne shout out his name. His eyes shouted suprise as he went in front and up the stage reeled by the host-slash-hostess.

“Who are you with?”

“I’m with Sylvan” He answered.

“Who is he?”

“My future boyfriend.” He declared with a grin that reduced his Korean eyes to a slit.

Future Boyfriend. That’s me to him.

I said to myself, with schizophrenic caution, this is fast and I mean supersonic fast.

Sure I’m having a blast and I can feel we had a connection not to mention that we held hands the whole night stealing kisses here and there. But I wasn’t expecting anything other than having a good time... in or out of the bed.

So up on the stage, he sang “Wherever you will go” by the Calling and Parokya ni Edgar’s “Halaga” for me.

And as I watch him belting the songs that he dedicated to me with his killer smile flashing directly at our table, I knew I am trudging an über dangerous road.

I know he is not Maviè.

He is someone else...

And just like what’s his profile said, I waited for the night to end, kiss him goodnight and went home sending him one last text message.

For You Bro

I know that you’re gone for more than 4 years already and I would like to think that you are just there somewhere watching over me.

I want and need you to know that I love you very much and I miss you everyday. Nothing can compare to what you have given me. Time has gone on, but the pain of knowing that I lost you doesn't make it any easier still. I still find myself wishing that it wasn't true.

I miss you. You’re my brother, my best friend, my confidant. I love you with all my heart. You gave me something that I will never forget: You helped make me who I always was meant to be. I know that you would want me to move on and for the longest time, I haven’t but now, I’m happy to say that I have. Life is not the same without you though. And I wish I could share everything that I have to you like we did before.

There have been others, but I find myself trying to compare them to you and they don't measure up. I think I found one but he is not you and you can never be replaced. Still, he is like you in some ways and we have shared things and enjoyed stuff like you and I did before. I’m happy I have found him.

Thank you Yanni. You were the brother I never had. I’m lucky that you were, and still are, the best friend I ever had.

Rest in peace bro.

I wish I could have gotten to say goodbye.