The One that got Away

I was briskly treading the busy evening street to the bus stop from our house in Monumento when I saw him. The last time we chatted, he was still in Canada working as a hotel manager. He said he’ll let me know if his back in town. 

I guess it slipped his mind.

It’s been ages since I saw his face. Even from afar, I can see his chinito eyes reduce to a slit as he laugh with a familiar guy. I never got acquainted with the guy he was with but I knew him from his constant appearance on his photos. He’s the one that mend the heart I broke.

I stopped. He walked passed by me and I was not surprised. His eyesight was bad and he was not wearing his glasses. I remember those dorky spectacles was one of among the myriad of reasons why he got me fall for him years ago. He also had this tunnel vision thing going on blocking everyone out when he is with someone he affectionately likes. I can still remember the time when I was the one who's always on the other side of that tunnel. I felt like I was the most attractive person in the world. His eyes were mine alone.

But I blew it.

As they pass by me, his boyfriend saw me frozen like a statue. I immediately knew he would let him know so before he rat me out, I called his name. Once again, our eyes met. His smile still takes my breath away after all these years. 

He was my first while I was his second. I was 20... immature, inexperienced and extremely playful while he was 25... hot, responsible and a one man guy. He is the type you would introduce to your parents (which I actually did shortly after I came out to my mom).

We had a very strong and beautiful first year. We were madly in love. Amidst our busy schedule (he was a reports analyst for a local bank while I am an account executive for a global one), we always find ways to see each other. But then, by the time the first half of our 2nd year ended, I started to feel lassoed and caged. I was starting to suffocate. And though I understand that his borderline crazy possessiveness was due to his love for me and I knew his fidelity was unquestionably mine, I began to rebel. We had our first major fight but we quickly kissed and made up and everything in the world was alright again.

When he heard me scream his name, he turned back. I was on the other side of the tunnel again. I wanted to hug him. I wanted to kiss him and tell him I’m sorry but he raised his hand in a gesture that what he can offer will not go beyond friendship. I accepted his soft hand but I didn’t want to let his hand go. I collected myself and beamed him a smile. The kind I of smile that tells him “I miss you.” 

He answered by introducing me to his boyfriend.

By the time we entered our third year, our relationship was on the rocks. Our petty fights became serious and rampant. I started to cheat. We started to see less and I played around more. Still, he had complete and utter faith in me and he believed all the lies I feed him. Even now, it still makes me feel guilty for doing it to him. Now, it breaks my heart every time I think of how I did not value his affection. 

I had an affair with a 17 year old twink. It was 2 months old when we called it quits. I answered his heartfelt New Year’s Day greeting with a text message begging him to leave me along with the past year. He tried to win me back even though I was the one who cheated. I did not reciprocate. I was already madly head over heels with my under aged angel then and did not care. I was happy at his expense.

Then one year after we broke up, my heavenly romance with my angel ended. I fell down to earth real hard. Bad karma has caught up on me. Just as he was totally shocked with our break up on New Year’s Day, I was caught unaware when Angel broke up with me on our first year anniversary.

I felt what’s like to be dumped by the person you love so much. I even contemplated on killing myself just to make the pain stop. I suddenly felt what he felt when I threw him away like an unwanted toy. 

I shook his boyfriend’s hands with bitterness and jealousy concealed in a firm grip. I forced a smile before I excuse myself telling both of them I’m late for a shift that won’t even start in 3 hours.

I sat on the bus thinking what might have been. He is the one I let get away.

Over the years, I thought my love for him has faded. But I guess first love really never dies. Part of me will always love him and though I wish I am still the one, another part of me was happy for him. He deserves to be happy and I sincerely wish him all the best.

Wish – that’s all I can do now.

But if the Gods are kind and they gave me another chance, this time, I’ll never let go.

I’ll never let go.   

photo here